Deborah May's blog

Australians gift: Time to stop. Completely.

Pure relaxation and the ability to take a complete break is hard!  Increased adrenalin, pressure and the need to appear committed to our work means it’s more difficult to switch off our minds and almost impossible to turn off the i-phone.

Yet we must.  Unless we switch off periodically, our minds and bodies have no time to recover from the accumulated stress, adrenalin and hyperactivity that too quickly becomes habitual and routine.

Farmers regularly lay fields fallow – ploughed but not sown, to enable the soil to restore the nutrients and minerals required for next season’s harvest.  This enables greater productivity and growth the following year.

I aim to take one week every six months to lie fallow – but it’s hard. It’s hard to switch off my mind, stop my hand from checking the phone and still the anxiety that comes from doing little – at least for the first few days... and then I start to breathe out and gain perspective and notice the season, the beauty and nature around me. This is when I remember what’s most important – my relationship, family, our dreams and future together, that my work supports rather than creates.

When I do return to work-mode, I feel fresher and out of nowhere spill new ideas, energy and changes of direction full of possibility and potential.

Unlike most other countries, Australians have traditional Christian holidays to provide a catalyst for rejuvenation. While on the one hand, these holidays are anachronistic and evidence of Australia’s ambivalence to a truly diverse and secular society, there’s no way I’d want to give them up. These holidays are a gift that we can and should use to stop, reflect and notice who we are, who we’re with and what’s most important.

This is time we can all lie fallow and re-generate so that we can return to our workplaces with new rich and fertile thoughts, perspectives and growth from which will emerge increased creativity, energy and worthwhile outcomes.

There's no rush

Fulfilling, satisfying lives are achieved from making conscious decisions to live according to our priorities and values and to do whatever is most important right now.

As I reflect on my too full and  busy life I notice how easily it is to succumb to the unnecessary impulse to do too much at once.

Like many women, I have great intentions and an over exaggerated desire to please. Like many, I attempt to live up to the expectations of others, agree to do more than is comfortable and generally over-commit. It’s only when I feel worn out that I begin to pay attention to my needs, priorities and goals and readjust my activity and commitments.

When we don’t pay attention to the stress and toll our hyper-activity is taking on our health, wellbeing or families, it’s easy to become confused. We begin to doubt ourselves, think that we’re not as good as we’d hoped, or that our goals are too ambitious and should be down-graded.

The fact is women are living and working for longer and there is room for us to fit many things into our lives and careers - when the time is right for us.

We can choose when to pursue our career, spend time with our family or take time out. We can learn how to manage the perceptions and assumptions that others may have about our choices. We just forget we can.  

When considering how to do it all, resist the unnecessary and onerous impulse to rush to achieve everything quickly or to attempt to do it all at once. A balanced life is achieved over time and is possible if we’re clear, strategic and effective at managing expectations – our own and those of others.

Over responsible and over committed

I don’t know any woman who has too little to do. Whether we’re holding our families together, smoothing out relationships at work, managing huge budgets, building businesses, volunteering on various committees or boards – we’re all busy.

Whether we’re busy doing what’s most important right now is a worthy question to ask ourselves regularly. Whether what we’re doing will provide us with a higher level of satisfaction, happiness or joy is another question we should not avoid.

Ensuring our schedules provide us with the breaks we need to laugh, connect, speak honestly, be ourselves is vital.

If you’re one of the thousands of busy women contributing to the fabric of society, here are some activities you might spontaneously choose to do when it feels a tough and you’re tired of being responsible:

*Hang out with the kids, on the couch doing nothing in particular

* Put on a hat and take yourself to lunch

* Don something frivolous, flirtatious and fanciful then go for a flaunt

* Buy a bottle of champagne, call a friend and drink it listening to your favourite dance music

* Go to a nail boutique sit in a massage chair, read a trashy magazine while you get a pedicure ,

* Find a crowded, alternative looking cafe, buy a coffee and start a conversation with the most unlikely looking person there

* Get on a ferry and stand outside where you’re most likely to get wet from the spray.

Send me your ideas!

The legacy of graciousness

How do you build a life that’s worthy enough to bring people together to celebrate it with gratitude, love and awe at its end?

 

Recently I attended my brother in law, David’s, memorial service. He died too young from a brain tumour. It was sad and funny and left me regretful that I didn’t know him before he became ill. The service was a tapestry of stories, photos and music that painted a vibrant picture of David’s life, personality and values. This was wonderful for us all, but particularly important for his two young sons who will struggle remembering their Dad for more than his illness.

 

I’ve been a late entrant into this particular family, and the cause of one of its many fractures.  David always greeted me openly, warmly and with interest. He always asked about my activities, latest business ventures and work. He never allowed others’ angst or resentment get in the way of his decency and graciousness. Today I heard that this was a characteristic of all his friendships. None of his relationships were marred by grudges or resentment.

 

The legacy of David’s life is such that divorced and bitter people who would rather not come together did so anyway. People who preferred not to speak to each other at least acknowledged each other. David was another reminder of how respect and interest in others creates solid regard and relationships. How authentic and congruent behaviour that is full of good will brings people together.

 

How much time is wasted on looking for flaws, being competitive and seeking someone to blame? How much time does it take to make an enquiry about someone’s well being and life?

 

I don’t waste time on resentment and grudges, but can too easily overlook little courtesies and displays of interest in others. Today I was reminded of how much return that little investment in others can be.

 

I’ll miss David.