Deborah May's blog

Act like a bloke, flirt like a girl; we still come second.

I remember the days when women padded their shoulders to look as big as the guys and to make a point.  We had grand ambitions, could drink, swear and dish out as much as we got.

At the same time, the guys were deferential, car doors were opened for us and we were paid a third less than our male colleagues.

Then some of us went and had babies, and some of us came back feeling tentative and less confident than we’d felt when we started our career, because we could no longer pretend we were the same. Our world had changed, we had responsibilities to our babies and for some reason a few women came back thinking that the intellect, skills and experiences they had before they left for maternity leave were somehow dulled by the birth of a child instead of enhanced.

In addition, we couldn’t stay back and play with the guys over a beer, or pretend we liked golf or hang around to schmooze and pretend we had urgent and important work to complete – at least until the boss left.  We were left out of the information loops and had less visibility.

This was when our careers, formerly fast tracked, slowed to the speed of a lawn mower. And it was hard to pin point why.  Most women assumed there was something wrong with them.  Maybe we were less intelligent, or not as good as we thought we were?  Our ambition and expectations became lower as we made do.

Some women – the smart ones, left to find alternative work in organisations that provided what looked like more opportunities or started their own businesses to work on their own terms.

Others stayed where they were, hoping that over time they would eventually be recognised or provided with the opportunities to demonstrate their value.

In 30 years, most of the women who should be in the executive suites aren’t.  The guys we started with are.  Many don’t even have children – but they’re still executives in waiting.

I recently met with one of these women. She told me that over the years her career had inched forward in ever decreasing increments.

She cried as she shared her frustration, then anger about how easily the guys she started with passed her. 

She then observed that it seemed that younger women have got smarter about their careers. Some seem to be progressing more quickly.

She described this group as less inclined to adapt their behaviour and act like the blokes and more inclined to flirt, work hard and make the guys not only feel good but look good.

They are less demanding, more feminine and the guys like them around.  They look after them so they don’t leave. The women are promoted as the bloke above them is.

I see some evidence of this behaviour and its consequence.  It proves women are resourceful and creative about career advancement.  It might work when little else seems to. The only question is: what happens when the men reach the top?  

We still come second.

Now is NOT the time to grow numb.

When the economic climate is fragile, when the earth quakes and tsunamis flatten towns, when religion and racial differences kill and the young have nothing better to do than rampage and pillage, it’s time for the rest of us to be kind to each other.

We don’t need more to unsettle and isolate us. We don’t need more reasons to feel vulnerable and alone.

Now is the time to acknowledge our uncertainty and face our feelings. Now is not the time to become numb or indifferent.

Numbness and defensive indifference render us as guilty of perpetuating uncertainty as those we protect ourselves from.   

To be kind to each other we must behave with compassion and consideration. This can only happen with empathy, not when we're numb.

Now is the time for everyone to soften their exterior and connect with each other in united solidarity and kindness. Now is the time to be reminded that acts of love and compassion can change the world.

Now is the time for women to lead the way.

Why workplaces work better for men than they do for women.

It’s not intentional, nor malicious. It’s a fact. Workplaces DO work better for men. Here are just a few reasons why:

1. Organisations were built by men for men during the Industrial Revolution and have changed little since then. They are shaped like a pyramid, with fewer positions at the top. Positions are won by competing with others and being seen as better than them.

2. Men have an inherent advantage within hierarchical organisational structures because they are better at playing and winning competitions. They know how to:

- Brag and self-promote
- Communicate as an authority and use direct and decisive language
- Manage politics to their advantage
- Network to find allies, information and opportunities
- Stay emotionally detached, focused on the goal and not take things personally
- Get the visibility required to be noticed.

3. Men’s careers are more linear than women’s and fit within expected organisational structures and paths. Men are also assumed to be more committed to their careers.

4. There are more men at the top than women and people recruit in their image. It’s easier for men to build mateship and camaraderie with other men because they share experiences, expectations and ways of relating.

Think it’s too hard to be an executive woman and have a life? Think again.

Women at the top don’t work longer or harder. They’re just better at managing their time.

They’re also more strategic, assertive, are great delegators and negotiators and know how to say ‘no’.

Life is long. We can have it all, just not all at once.

If you want to be the CEO, claim the spot. If you want to have kids along the way, factor them in.

Then develop a plan that includes:

a. Time frames: for each of your life and work goals.

b. Research: talk to people. Ask what it takes to get ahead in your industry. Learn what skills, experience and knowledge are critical for career advancement.

c. Your boss: Tell your boss your career goals and ask for the development, experience and opportunities you need to achieve them.

d. Negotiating: when you're asked to take on more work, ask for the resources, time and budget to do it.

e. Networks and visibility: hang out with the key influencers. Where will you find champions, referees and executives?

f. Self-promotion: provide regular updates on your progress, achievements and results to people who need to know you're capable, credible and worthy of the next career step.

g. Nipping assumptions in the bud: if you have kids, be explicit about your commitment to your career. If you return to work on a part time basis, be explicit about your commitment to your career!

Now, get on with it! We need you!

Is it me?? When workplaces don’t work it’s easy to get confused...

Have you ever felt like an outsider in your organisation or that you’re doing something wrong, when it feels right?

A client, Marg, asked me to help her improve her people management skills. She said she’d been told she was ‘too soft’.

Marg worked in a large, male-dominated, industrial manufacturing plant that was measured on its production, quality and cost cutting.

She described a workplace that was fear-driven and blame-focused.  Whenever there were production or quality issues, she said, ‘management’ looked for someone to blame.

Marg thought it was unfair to blame production issues on people alone as there were many possible causes. She figured her job was to problem-solve, which she did well.

As we talked, it was clear that she was managing her staff just fine. Her colleagues, however, were not.

When I pointed out that her approach seemed fair and reasonable she looked sceptical. When I asked her how it was to work in such an environment, tears welled.

Over the course of our session, she moved from confusion, to relief, then concern about her future as she realised she now faced a choice.

When you work in the same organisation for an extended period, you get used to how things are. As you become more senior, you’re expected (implicitly) to adapt and adopt the values of your organisation. As you become aware of the dissonance, it’s easy to become confused and think there’s something wrong with you.

Don’t. Pay attention, claim your power and recognise you can choose to stay and put up with it, change workplace values, or leave.

Before you make a decision:

• Seek out like-minded colleagues. Share experiences and perspectives – it will help you stay sane.
• Determine if you can build a coalition for change. The more people who think like you the greater the influence you will have.
• Role model your values within your sphere of influence. People will appreciate it and you will have a positive impact on those around you.
• Recognise that the culture is bigger than any one individual. Unless you can find enough people to build a coalition for change, it’s unlikely you can change it yourself.  Consider the impact this may have on you.
• If you don’t think you can influence change or find enough allies to stay sane, find another job.

As long as men remain boys, Australia will remain stunted, sexist and unable to achieve its potential.

When David Bushby meowed at Penny Wong in Parliament, she quickly called it for what it was – a sexist slur and completely unacceptable. I bet that behind the scenes were men with boyish giggles and women with indulgently raised eyebrows and forgiving smiles as the sheepish shrugged off unnecessary sensitivity.

Clearly it was not a heinous offence because less than a month later, childish, sexist, Labor copy cat, Joel Fitzgibbon meowed at Julie Bishop.

Fitzgibbon’s sexist mockery of the deputy leader of the opposition was addressed with stern words by the Prime Minister, but it was given barely any coverage. We were implicitly encouraged to accept it as nothing more than thoughtlessness and ‘just’ another example of what we’ve learned to accept from the school yard nature of Parliament. There are, it was implied, far more important things to worry about. 

It’s no wonder that most Australian men and women are blind to sexism. It gets smoothed over, or dismissed as not important, despite its impact on women, men, our communities, workplaces and institutions.

Sexism affects family dynamics, career expectations and opportunities for all. It also limits Australia’s ability to achieve its collective potential, increase national economic prosperity, and be globally competitive.

It's unlikely to change when we reward men who remain boy-like for most of their lives.

I live, work and socialise with many great Australian anglo, and wanna be anglo blokes (like those who dominate senior positions and board rooms in public and corporate Australia).  They range in age from their early twenties to their early eighties.  They include the employed and unemployed in a variety of fields and at different stages of their working lives. They include professionals in senior leadership positions, academics, uni students, labourers, economists, lawyers, sales reps, public servants, builders, plumbers, doctors, retirees, teachers, consultants and artists.

These blokes all share an Australian larrikinism that is affable, light hearted and fun. I enjoy their company, am used to indulging and participating in their banter and teasing and find their playfulness fun and easy to be around. But the change agent in me is becoming deeply disturbed by it.  The playfulness camouflages and subtly reinforces racism, sexism, and homophobia. When the behaviour or banter gets unruly or out of line, the offender is scolded, but because it’s inherently light-hearted, it’s accepted as nothing too serious.

But what chance do guys have to grow up and mature into men in this country?

As a nation, we idolise sportsmen of all types and badly behaved footballers. We revere rugged bush jocks (Steve Irwin and the Grylls guy who eats spiders and drinks his own urine) and go foot thumping mad over rock stars past their use by date.

We’re suspicious of intellectuals, scientists and entrepreneurs, and we dismiss artists as wankers.

We watch the aggressive intellect-free political debate that relies on one liners and one upmanship. 

We’re fed pages about the sexual exploits of philandering and model attracting European Prime Ministers, written to invite envy and macho respect.

It’s no wonder our men don’t grow up. But while they remain in this perpetual state of immaturity, while we all accept it as the status quo, our nation won’t grow up either. Sexism and discrimination will continue, males will be over-represented in politics, boardrooms and executive suites and we’ll continue to watch nothing much change.

In pursuit of purpose? Now there's a thought...

Many years ago I read Steven Covey’s '7 Habits of Highly Effective People.' 

Like many books that resonate, it was the right book at the right time.  I avidly digested and acted on Covey’s advice:  If you’re intent on climbing the ladder, make sure it’s against the right wall.

I soon left what had become an unsatisfactory, if very well paid, job. 

Covey was also the first to introduce me to Victor Frankl, who wrote of his survival in Nazi concentration camps, in his book, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning.’ Indeed, Covey grounded his seven habits framework in Frankl’s work. 

Victor Frankl’s book has been republished and when I stumbled upon it in my annual pre-tax spending spree, I grabbed it. I’m glad I did.

Just as I read Covey at the right time, Frankl’s story, his wisdom and capacity for deep thought and reflection has inspired me today.

We all know about the barbaric, inhumane treatment of human beings that occurred in Nazi concentration camps.  Frankl’s personal connection to these experiences was shocking, but his ability to transcend them was remarkable.

Frankl moved beyond his suffering and despair by connecting with what was most important to him: the people he loved and his dreams for the future. He pictured his wife’s face as he wielded a pick, bare-foot in the snow. He spent days transfixed with a vision for the future (his family and his work) that was more compelling and powerful than the present.  

At the end of the war he learned that none of his family survived the camps. Of course, he grieved and suffered, but he was able to move beyond this suffering by again, reconnecting and acting from his sense of purpose and vision for his life and work.

No-one I know is experiencing anything like the hell Frankl endured, but the confusion and angst I too often listen to, belies that fact.

I frequently hear about the very real struggle people experience as they’re directed by a cacophony of ‘shoulds’ and internalised messages about

* who they should be,

* what they should do,

* the money they should earn,

* the careers they should follow,

* the promotions they should put their hand up for.

It’s time more people turned inward and connected with their passion, purpose and capacity to create a compelling future for themselves, their families, organisations and communities.

It’s time we were guided by vision and the pursuit of purpose rather than feeling the need to fulfil others’ expectations of us – especially since those expectations are too often grounded in the acquisition or maintenance of status or a lifestyle that’s expensive to maintain and difficult to leave.

If we began to live and work purposely, perhaps we’d regain the fulfilment, meaning and conscience too many in positions of power, at least, have lost sight of.

Women are resigned to their fate: it's too hard to get ahead

The article in Sunday’s Herald by Alyssa McDonald cited the same barriers to women’s  advancement that have been highlighted for at least the last 15 years. 

The author quoted the thoughts of credible, if predictable authorities:  Liz Broderick, Katie Lahey and others who have advanced into the C-Suites but at least can identify the barriers as:

Structural barriers which continue to be:  lack of flexibility, inability to gain a promotion if working part time, the expectation to work more than a standard week the further up the hierarchy you go, exorbitant child care costs, and so on.

Unconscious bias towards a male leadership and communication styles, the stereotypes and assumptions made about women, especially mothers and their inability to continue to use their brains after giving birth and their unsuitability to take on senior roles if they’re working flexible hours.

These barriers have remained constant over the last decade, except, perhaps, the expectations around hours (the average Aussie working week is longer), and quite possibly the collusion that occurs from women who continue to accept some of the conditions, the stereotypes and the bias. Indeed, even perpetuate it.

How many women accept that their role should be to take responsibility for the domestic administration of the house as well as their jobs? How many women believe that if a woman is working part time, she cannot be committed to her career?  How many women still feel that to support other women somehow diminishes their own efforts? How many continue to uphold the farcical notion that appointments are made based on ‘merit’?

I wonder whether the fact that the barriers have remained solid for all of our working lives (regardless of age, sadly), has resulted in women becoming resigned to their fate?

Most women believe that it’s too hard to advance into senior roles.  They don’t believe there is any way to overcome the toll in terms of family sacrifice and hours required. They don’t see role models demonstrating how it can be done differently.  Women appear to have internalised the barriers and unconsciously taken responsibility for them – rationalising them as part of the natural order of things.

Perhaps it’s not possible to do things differently – but let’s be certain that as a society, we are actually prepared to suffer the consequences:

The lack of optimisation of the talent pool, decreased innovation and creativity, diminished accountability and governance, reduced competitiveness in global markets, increased stress and burn out as women who aspire to leadership and executive roles suffer from ill health and their male counterparts, likewise.

Australia forgets, I think, that it’s a creative country. We’ve had to be resourceful. We often come up with innovative ideas and extraordinary breakthroughs. Unfortunately most of these are capitalised overseas where new ideas, innovation are embraced, applauded and commercialised!

We could do more if enough of us decided we needed to. We all have a role to play in reducing the mind numbing acceptance of the status quo. We could be leaders and innovators. We don’t have to remain hidden in the shadow of the tall poppies we fear.

The question is how we generate the momentum, how we harness the talent and how we might direct our energy.  A few hopeful male champions have stepped up to the plate. It’s time more women joined them.

It IS a competition and women are losing. By default.

Life (work, politics and business) is a competition that women don’t recognise, rarely enjoy, nor play well.

Men know it and are good at playing. They know that each interaction is a round in life’s game. They play to win, prepare for the next stoush and if they lose, enjoy a consolation beer with their competitors.

Think of the men you know who:

• Instinctively seek to win an argument – regardless of whether they believe in their case
• Claim the space at meetings as they compete for the boss’s attention
• Compete for the biggest ... car, house, or gadget. ‘He who dies with the most toys wins!’ bragged my former husband whenever I dismissed his need to acquire the latest and greatest of everything.

Women are also players in life’s competition. We compete on a daily basis: for recognition, acknowledgement and status – but too often lose by default because we fail to notice, don't like, or can’t be bothered ‘playing the game’.

We tell ourselves it doesn’t matter if we don’t get that bonus, promotion, or recognition. ‘It’s not such a big deal’ we rationalise, optimistically.

Personally, I can easily manage transactional competitions – winning a piece of work or selling my services is easy and straight forward. It’s a sale pitch about my work, my business or my approach.

As soon as it gets personal and I feel I’m competing for attention, acknowledgement or recognition I retreat. Actually, I convulse with agony and disappear from the playing field. I rationalise to myself that I want to be recognised for the substance of my work, rather than the quality of my PR. This is particularly the case when I feel I’m competing (rather than collaborating) with women.

My own personal billboards of ‘be nice,’ ‘don’t stand out’ collide and explode with memories of having to compete for attention with the other females in my family where I tended to just retreat in defeat. 

This means I frequently fail to ask for favours, the spot-light or opportunities for exposure and tend to stay under the radar. This often doesn’t matter, but sometimes does.

Too many of us have learned that to compete is bad, or we’ll be punished in some way when we do. This is my story. Every woman has her own. The result is the same. We lose.

What women want: Respect, Trust and a Budget.

Every month I facilitate a conversation with a mixed group of professional women who work in a predominantly male environment.

Last week, they shared their frustration at

• Being treated like a highly paid secretary
• Not being supported by their boss
• The lack of support they get from their women colleagues

They complained that:

• too often decisions were made around them,
• they often felt invisible and overlooked and
• one woman in particular was being paid an enormous amount of money and was ‘bored out of her mind’.

There’s no doubt that working in all male environments is tough. However, many women say they love it because ‘men are easy to work with’: They’re straight-forward, don’t take things personally and as long as you do the job you’re respected.

It probably doesn’t hurt if you also modify your expectations, adapt your style, your sensitivities and your sense of what’s fair.

If you work in a male dominated workplace,

DON’T:

• look for co-conspirators to help validate your sense of injustice
• complain about all the things that aren’t working for you.

DO:

• Be direct, (even blunt)
• Be explicit about what you need to do your job
• Pull your boss and colleagues up for any assumptions they make about you.

One woman in the group shared how she did this when it was clear she was being sidelined:

She scheduled a meeting with her boss, was direct and to the point and said, ‘You hired me to make decisions. You told me I’d have resources and a budget to do my job.  It hasn’t happened. You’re not letting me make decisions, you want me to get approval for trivial expenses and I don’t have the staff you promised to give me. Unless you trust me, I can’t do my job.’ Her boss looked confronted but said he’d delegate more responsibility to her.

Nothing much changed until she went in the second time and said exactly the same thing, but ended it with, ‘I’m not interested in having this discussion again, you need to trust me, treat me with the respect I deserve and give me a budget. If I screw up, then sack me.’

Her approach worked. She’s now running the division she was hired to manage.